Nothing Stays The Same, Everything Changes

It's not all that bad starting over..
Actually, it's pretty dang good.
I love LA, my job and things are falling into place.

Close To You

I'm writing a new script called, Close To You.
It has to do with string theory and parallel universes... Fun, huh...
I think so*
What better thing to do while waiting for my other script to get optioned..
*fingers crossed*

dreams, reality and loneliness

dreams-
I had a dream about my Mom the night before last.
In it, I knew when I was talking to her she wouldn't be alive soon, even though I tried to warn her..
Then I woke up.
*sighs, cuz I can't shake it*
Don't believe them when they say time heals..
it's a bunch of bull doo doo.
reality-
I'm closer to losing my home now, more than ever before... after proudy owning it for 8 years..
Going through the BK procedure tonight, I found my mortgage company changed my fixed to an adjustable in Jan. 09 and
will keep raising it every 6 months from 6.87 to no higher than 12.87500%.
How can they do that? I didn't even know it cuz I haven't paid the 6.87 since Jan..
And my BK attorney says Obama hasn't passed the law yet for homeowners.
*unsettling*
Loneiless-
My oldest with my 2 grandkids have been staying with me since November, along with my 14 year old...
I always was one for enjoying my solitude, but no one's been home all day and I've been feeling
lonely.
I was so excited *inside* cuz they just came home, but she told me she was moving in with her boyfriend and they were staying at his house tonight..
I guess that's good.?.
*pours a glass of wine and kisses the kids good bye*
I mean, only a few minutes earlier I realized I may not have a home.
*sips wine*
So I guess I can rent a small place.

And my very very best friend... He's not answering his phone.
*heart aches silently as each moment passes*
I'm still hoping, but ..
It's like my Mom's dream, even though I smiled at her and hoped for the best,
that sad feeling of doom filled the air and she was gone when I woke..
*sorrow*
I don't feel like a tough girl right now...
maybe tomorrow.......

intuition

instinct,
perception,
hunch,
feeling,
inkling,
presentiment,
I looked it up, and all these words describe what it feels like..

Women have a unspoken synergy, I guess that's what you'd call it.
I've experienced both sides of this phenomenon..
I found, the "keeping what you have,"
feels a little bit powerless against the "trying to get what you want"...
but not always..

I think it's cuz the "trying to get what you want", usually has the upper
hand with setting the rules and knowing all the players...
Doesn't mean they'll succeed, but that's also not always their intention.. really...

I was about seven and can remember the first time I experienced this.
I went over to my grandparents house, who live two doors down
and felt a strange energy as I walked into the kitchen.
I'll never forget it.
I remember seeing a young lady sitting at the table with my grandfather.
They were talking quietly..
And my grandmother? I think she was crying when she walked passed me and out the door.
My Mom followed right behind.

I found out years later the young lady was my grandfather's daughter from another woman.
......
It was my grandmother's intuition that finally brought her to their door.
Poor girl, I don't know whatever became of her or the other woman, but I never saw her again.

I could tell it destroyed my Yiayia.
Still, she always held her head high and I guess, forgave my Papou.
For a little while, he even stopped taking her for granted and treated her nice.
.....
But for the rest of her life, I don't think she truly believed him when he said he loved her.

When she died, he was lost.
I once found him standing in the closet, holding her wigs in his face, crying....
Trying to smell her as he called out her name...

How sad...

I remember when I was 17 and just knew my boyfriend liked this girl..
Intuition..
I saw her at a party. She was standing by the firepit when I walked up to her.
Our friends thought I was gonna kick the shit outta her.
*Why? Silly people*
I introduced myself and said I know Scott likes you and it's cool... I hope you guys are happy.
We didn't become best buddies, just friends...
And her friendship helped me several months later when something bad happened to me.
Can you imagine if I had kicked the shit outta her??

intuition, it is what it is....

friendship

Do you remember your first friend?
Mine was Patricia Balletto..
We lived a few houses apart in Topsfield, Mass..
It was in the first grade, and we were together all the time.
I'd get picked up by the school bus first and save her a seat next to me, behind the bus driver..
I was so embarrassed once when I had all my classmate's valentine cards filled out and Patricia let me know that their names went on the envelope, not on the inside of the card...
Geeesh! I was only in the first grade!
She saw I was mortified and didn't make a big deal about it..


I'd put on plays with her in my front yard..
My home had a second double space parking area to the left of our circular driveway, that had a little island with trees and shrubs in the middle.
The empty parking spaces was a great place to have a stage.
I guess I was the writer/producer/director and lead actress..
She was cool with that and followed my lead..
We'd get the other little neighborhood kids to be our audience and sit across from us on the island..
I remember being frustrated, because I didn't have the right props!
I was 6 or 7.
One time,
I even convinced her to rub our bums together in the field behind her house...
Oh, it took a lot of coaxing...
We dropped our pants and shook our hips, then laughed as we quickly pulled them back up again, it bonded our friendship and was a lot less painful than being blood sisters..
*Her bum was so soft*
I moved away in the third grade and can remember trying to call her, but only knew the first three digits.. 887...

I missed her friendship...

When I was about 12, I got my Mom to go visit our old home and we stopped at her house.
My heart was racing. I knocked on her door and her Mom answered, but she wasn't home.
I was so disappointed.
Her Mom gave me their number and I gave her my address.
I remember how excited I was to receive a letter from her.
I ran up to my room and opened it on my bed..
Hmmm... 

She'd changed..
She started getting into drugs and her letter was all about partying and catch phrases...
I gave her some advice and stopped writing..
I was so sad.
When I was 18, I drove back to my old home, (how I loved that home) and remembered how much fun we had..
I went to her house, but she had moved and there was no forwarding address...

I used to have dreams about looking, but never finding her..
She was my first best friend... Patricia Balletto.
Still today, when I come across someone with her name, I proudly say, "Ah... that was my first very best friend's name, Patricia Balletto!"

So if you ever run into her... Please let her know, Dianne says "hi."

birthday wishes

My birthday was on the 25th.... yeah yeah yeah... 49 isn't where I wanna be, even though I still look damn sexy...
It's been, hmmm... 9 years since my Mom died (on my birthday) and they're not so much sad birthday's, just not whole...
I miss her so..
I had a hard day, family shit... not good with the drama... so I'm on my 2nd beer... don't think I'll finish it, cuz I'm such a light weight...
Now when I used to do drugs in my early days ( 2 yrs worth) I could pound some liquor...
NOT that I want those days back.
But I'm buzzed so I mentioned them.
I'm still debating whether I'll edit my writing, just in case someone I know reads it or just have a full explosion of me.....
too late... finished my beer..
Even though my day was crappy...
I took a moment to go through the birthday cards I got, and what everyone wrote to me...
It made the day better.
:]
I'm listening to new music I downloaded by Chris Whitley on my new ipod...
(What a tragedy to lose such a talented man...)
I guess, life isn't too bad...
'nite*

words...

Sometimes words are the only escape...
Sometimes they're hard to come by..
Sometimes they flow too much...
Sometimes I just want to use them without anyone I know, knowing..